ZECHARIAH’S HARBOR
The Building of Strongholds…
I have lived in a constant state of fear and hopelessness for all my life. My earliest memories are not those of a happy childhood, where many remember their parents doting on them with love and affection, building a stable foundation of love, safety and trust. Those years of my life I remember spending in agony. As I would cry myself to sleep at night, I would look up to God with helplessness and ask Him why? Why was I put in this family where everyone around me was hurting me so badly? Why did certain family members find pleasure in hurting me and making me have sex with them? Why did I have to have sex with strange men who would come over to the house? Why was I beaten and forced to hurt other children who were brought over? Why was all of this happening, and why me?
The amount and degree of abuse I have sustained during my life is hard to put into words. If I were to accurately account the physical, psychological, emotional and sexually-perverse nature of my abuse, most would either choose to not believe me, or think that I was sick to even suggest that family members could be so terrible to their own child. My abusers knew this to be true, and combined with my fear of what I was told would happen to me if I were to ever tell anyone, I was forced to deal with the pain and confusion of my abuse all alone.
Even though certain family members were hurting me, I still wanted desperately to please them and receive the acceptance and admiration I wanted so badly. As my nightmare continued, day after day, year after year with no end and no escape I remember finally deciding that love was a lie and even if it did exist, I was obviously un-worthy of it.
As my abusers continued to tell me that I deserved what was happening to me and told me that God could never forgive me for the things they were forcing me to do to others, the weight of guilt, shame and condemnation became suffocating. By my teenage years I absolutely hated myself. I was angry, bitter and hardened– angry at God for putting me in this family and for not hearing my cries for help as a child– angry at myself for deserving such treatment. Self-pity became my only source of comfort. By this time in my life, I was living in complete and total defeat. I had accepted and believed what my abusers had told me all my life– I was nothing but a horrible person, who’s only purpose in life was to be controlled and used by others and to hurt other people. As sick as it was, this became my identity.
I am now in the process of overcoming the pain and mental torment from that nightmare. This process largely includes me continually making a conscious effort to stop thinking of myself as a person in bondage, and to begin thinking as a person who has overcome his abuse and is on the road to becoming all that Jesus created me to be. A scripture that encouraged me to do this is Romans 12:2 which says, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
Now, after ten months of restraining orders, where my brother Joshua and I testified in open court about the abuse we sustained and the current threats to our lives by our abusers, I am finally away from my now ex-family and part of a new family, where I and my brother have been adopted. I will never forget the moment on November 23, 2008, when the judge gave me my new last name– “Manning.” I realized at that moment, that my nightmare of abuse had ended and that Jesus Christ had given me a new life, a new name and most of all a new family that treats me as a human being with my own free will.
I was recently assaulted by one of my abusers as I was getting out of my car one night. He threatened me and told me that I’d better keep quiet about the abuse, or “the secrets” as they call them, or he would kill me. His goal was to cause me to shrink back in fear and return to all the strongholds (mindsets and attitudes) that he knows are there due to his abuse. I have a choice to believe him and those strongholds or to choose to believe Jesus Christ. I am going to choose to believe Jesus Christ.
The road to recovery from abuse like mine is long and arduous. It takes dedication and discipline in God’s word. Whenever you make a decision to undo something the enemy has gone through great lengths to establish in your life, especially strongholds in your mind, you will meet much adversity. During those times of adversity, you may be tempted to give up, saying, “things will never change.” It is times like these that we need to realize that we are actually headed in the right direction. The enemy will do whatever he can to make us believe that our situation is hopeless and unchangeable. If that means sending one of our abusers to try and remind us of our past bondage, he will. As hard as it may be at the time, the correct response needs to be to continue trudging ahead in faith despite whatever emotions or feelings may be triggered by the attack. In my case, my abuser wanted me to remember all the times he controlled and dominated me when I was young and could do nothing about it. He is wanting me to react and return to those thought patterns and attitudes that were built during my many years of abuse. It is not wrong to feel emotions that are triggered. It is wrong, however to dwell on them and believe that nothing has changed just because I felt them and was tempted to shrink back.
So no matter what your circumstance may be, for those of you who can identify with what I am saying, I want to share with you scriptures that will help encourage you as you battle hopelessness in the face of renewing your mind from mindsets and attitudes due to past abuse.
- For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:4-5)
- So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:11)
- And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it. (John 1:5)
- And let us not grow weary and faint while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. (Galatians 6:9)
Dwelling on scriptures like these will get us back on track and thinking properly, even if emotions are still there, nagging us to give into them.
If we can figuratively think of a stronghold as a stone wall that separates us from the freedom to think as Jesus thinks, to see people the way Jesus does, and to see ourselves the way Jesus does, it isn’t hard to understand why the devil goes through so much effort to establish them in our minds. Jeremiah 23:29 says, “Is not My word like a fire?” says the LORD, And like a hammer that breaks the rock in pieces?” If walls are made of rocks and the Word of God is like a hammer, we have to be prepared to hammer away at these strongholds for a while before they fall. Even if it takes years, God’s Word says that the rocks will be broken into pieces and the walls will fall. Don’t give into hopelessness, keep hammering away in confidence.
Two new blogs will be posting soon for the sole purpose of helping hurting people find freedom, hope, healing, and restoration from traumatic abuse sustained during childhood. For those of you who are not aware, Pastor Matthew and Christa Manning (our founders and President) adopted two adult children through the legal adoption process in November 2008. Their names have been officially changed by the court, as well as their birth certificates which now show Pastor Matthew and Christa as their father and mother. Zechariah (29) came to Pastor Matthew in 2004 for biblical counseling and advice on how to get away from the sexual, physical, and controlling family environment in which he was currently being forced to live in. In October 2007, Joshua after turning 18, moved out of that same controlling and abusive environment and came to live with his brother and the Manning’s. After two years of legal wrangling and 10 months of restraining orders, the two men are living free from the slavery and bondage that their abusers told them they could never get away from.